Dear Matilda. Help! I have a teenage daughter
Dear Matilda
I can’t believe I’m writing to say this, but the time has come. It is with somewhat a heavy heart I feel the need to utter the words: my daughter is a teenager. It is here that I feel I shall lose her for a period of time. It has been brewing for a couple of months and I have let it go in the hope it would simply resolve itself. Maybe a little bit of burying my head in the sand and living in the belief that we would be different. That our closeness would keep us going through the hormone shift and she will forever stay my darling daughter. Oh, how naive I have been.
It's gross, Matilda. The stench of worn socks littering her bedroom floor has started seeping into the rest of the house. The smell accompanies about 5 others with vanilla and hairspray being thrown into the mix. The frenzy of her world in which she consumes herself sees her leaving a trail of destruction behind her as she moves. No room is untouched or left tidy within 5 minutes of her returning from school. That is, on the rare days she does return home. She spends most of her time out with friends and staying at their house. I have become a sideline figure in her life that is here to act as a taxi driver, a personal chef, a bank and therapist. Surely we were not like this when we were kids? I specifically remember not being given a lift anywhere.
By the age of 14 I was far more independent in terms of being able to travel around the county without assistance, working to earn money, and in the amount of chores I did at home. I have grounded Lo for 2 weeks because she pushed the boundaries time and time again and last night I was pondering on how I can turn this into something really positive. I haven’t actually grounded her before. Unless I’ve forgotten and you’re going to remind me? I thought I could use this time to my advantage and while she has to be at home, we could spend time together. I desperately need help and support with the business and the running of the house, and in a light bulb moment, charged with enthusiasm, I figured I would ask Lo to help me. She’s got great ideas and in truth I just need to talk to someone out loud about all the ideas in my head as they are beginning to stack up. I figured between us we could make huge progress over the next two weeks.
Well, I was soon brought back down to earth, and learnt a lesson in not romanticising an interaction with a 14 year old. Today when she got home she quickly released the barrage of hatred towards the school and how horrendous her life is because she is grounded. Offloaded all the drama that is happening around her, and collapsed onto the bed in a haze that if words could be seen in the air around her head they would spell ‘Life is sooooooo hard’. I took this opportunity to present to her the deal, in which she could reduce her period from 14 days to 9 days, by helping me. I thought I was doing my most cheerful, fun and excited voice and selling how much fun it could potentially be. Within 60 seconds I was doubting this entirely and weighing up the pros and cons about cancelling the grounding just to get her out of the house. I spoke for 2 minutes, against her 15, and yet I am left feeling like I’m the selfish one.
When did she get so negative? Is that a me thing? Is that a hormone thing? Is that a life thing? Eugh, where is the manual when you need one, Matilda? I don’t want this energy around me. Everything I am doing to move forward on my path and adopt a flow state in alignment with love, feels very rocky when Lo walks in. I am a grown ass woman who has walked through the scorched lands of the underworld, I shouldn't feel vulnerable to a 14 year old prima donna! Why does she have this effect on me? I think the answer lives somewhere in ‘she is your daughter and a reflection of you at that age’, but I don’t want to confront that today. That feels like a therapy session we can engage in much, much later in the year, or better still, never!
Lo told me earlier she gets overwhelmed, but couldn't describe what that actually meant. I’ll tell you what it meant, she gets angry when things don’t go her own way. I can feel her emotions. One thing I am beginning to understand and unravel, is my new (old) ability to feel the emotions of people around me. It’s taken some time to decipher but I’m getting better at it, and with it I can use it to truly help people. Will it help Lo? I’m fairly sure if I mentioned her being angry I would get an unsavoury response. We can both picture her saying “No I’m not”, in her grumpy, angry, hormonal way.
Being a single parent has rarely bothered me, and more often than not I see it as a huge advantage, but lately I have been questioning its expiry date, and how I recognise she needs the male energy. All children need and love their mum and dad. It is programmed within us. I grew up with a fairly absent father so I know the impact that brings, along with a mother I had difficulties with. I’ve wanted to ensure that Lo has felt safe to be herself, and I believe I have achieved that. She knows that no matter what, I will always be there but it's not enough. It's not enough to just have mum, she needs dad too. I don’t have a solution for that. I don’t have a magic wand where I can conjure up the most perfect loving father figure, but if I did, I would. Parenting is a two person job. One person can do an excellent job, and I will blow my horn a little bit here as I think I have done a rather marvellous job at parenting on my own while traversing life's complexities, but raising a child requires two people, at least.
It is in these moments that I am reminded how isolated I have made myself over the years. There are repercussions of our actions, and in my attempt to heal, ground and figure out who I am, I chose my own company over the noise of others, creating the illusion of isolation. I’m not isolated, at all, and there are men I could reach out to to help. Maybe I will. Maybe that's the lesson here: To let go, stop carrying it all and ask for help. Just saying that makes me feel better already. I can ask for help and with it, let go of the outcome. Can you believe, my ego has just pipped up and asked “What do we need help with? We don’t need help, we have this.”. Two teenagers I am dealing with today by the sounds of it. The isolation isn’t just how I chose to live my life, but in the distance I am to any family member. I don’t have the option of calling on a grandparent to help with Lo, nor even discuss these issues through. I am figuring this all out in real time and mistakes will be made, but that's part of it. They are mine, and I am not influenced by others and that has always been my desire. This is the land in which I sow. I make it what I desire, for when I believe and know, seeds bloom in the most unexpected of ways. I need to stay strong in my belief: we will get through the teenage years. We will be OK.
Thank you for listening to this ramble. Two hormonal females in a house together, trying to escape each other, yet desperately wanting to hang out, is a recipe for something! I will keep you posted but let this be the official declaration, I am a mother to a teenage daughter and life will never be the same again.
I love you
Ophelia
