The in-between stage of a spiritual awakening

I am moving through a spiritual awakening and it triggers all alarms at the same time, while raising doubts about the process. And yet I wouldn't change it for the world.

Nobody warns you about the in-between. The part where the old life has not yet fully dissolved and the new life has not yet fully emerged. We're told about the awakening itself — the shift, the questions, the clarity that arrives like a door opening. But not this. Not the waiting room. No one is talking about it and I'm starting to wonder why?

My path started six years ago with a huge shift that forced me to start asking questions I hadn't needed to ask before. Who are we? Are we alone in the universe? What is the point to all of this? Each question opened up twenty more, and over time the answers produced a picture I hadn't seen, nor ever expected to see. The answers arrived in different forms — conversations, books, a YouTube video at the right moment, the silence of meditation long enough for the information to land. Over the years I have learnt to trust the delivery. I ask a question and when the time is right, the answer finds me, one way or another.

Yet here I am. Sitting with no income and no structure to my day. Unsure of where I am going or the part I need to play. There is a nagging voice that says I should create discipline and structure. But the word 'should' tells me everything — that idea is coming from the old programming, not from truth. All that is being asked of me is to live as true to who I am, and that requires change. Real change unlike anything I have seen or experienced before.

I feel lost and found simultaneously. Lost in how everything I once believed in has been stripped away. Lost in the ways old friendships and relationships no longer provide for me like they used to. Lost in how preferences have changed and new ones not yet discovered. Found in the way I seem to be able to interact with the world around me in a 1:1 conversation. Found in how conversations happen at the right time and bring a glow to my soul. Found in how my new beliefs answer what has lived within me since I was a child. I am the person I needed when I was younger, which creates this beautiful inner relationship with myself that feels like a constant hug.

I view change as being scary, yet I have no proof of that. In fact, my life has been the very opposite, and with every change in circumstances, something beautiful happened. If I have evidence that change is good, why do I resist it? This is where I sit at the moment. In the unfolding of that change. I am witnessing it in real time and therefore it is a new experience of a familiar friend.

When we become aware of the systems at play in life — who we are as humans, the nature of the soul — it brings everything into question. Again. I've questioned life more times than I care to admit. Each time brings it more into focus, and yet the part I play within it gets further out of focus. It is disorienting. It is also, I am learning, completely normal. Who and what I want to do is one thing, how I survive from that is another.

The teachings I have received whisper repeatedly 'Hold the Frequency'. At first I thought I was meant to sit in meditation, embody the frequency of love and remain dedicated to the cause. Now I realise it is deeper, and easier. Frequency is energy. We all understand how it works, and despite myself knowing I have felt blind to its true meaning. If the frequency is energy and energy can take many forms then holding the frequency is not only embodying it, but visualising it. It allows the frequency to take shape, produce heat and sound and be amplified through us. We are not the creators, but the amplifiers. Holding the frequency is showing up every day in that image and feeling, knowing it is interacting with the world around us through our energy field.

I live by the philosophy that I trust everyone until they give me reason not to. I trust them and in return they trust me and a connection is formed. This can only happen from a full cup though. When we learn to fully, unquestionably trust ourselves we then produce an overspill to give others. I mention this because I believe it to be the cornerstone of the awakening process. We go through this process of euphoric clarity, where the weight of the world is lifted, our hearts glow and soar to new heights and we meet ourselves fully for the first time, and then it goes quiet. It feels cold. Like we've been invited to a grand party, made our way in and then shown to the balcony and shut out from the celebration. All dressed up, elated, yet vulnerable.

It's confusing. It makes us doubt ourselves. Here is where trust kicks in. Trust that you entered the party. Trust you are on the balcony for a reason. Trust that not only do you belong at the party, but the party is hosted in honour of you. Last week I was ecstatic about the work I was doing and the progress I was making. Resonance was oozing out of me and I was riding the waves. I spent the weekend working in the village pub — an opportunity presented itself and I said yes. I am learning to say yes to more. Conversations happened that wouldn't ordinarily have happened. Perspective and answers arrived. I felt like I was in a co-creation relationship with life, which is exactly where I want to be consciously. For the past three days however I have felt completely empty as a consequence. I'm currently writing this while sitting in bed, occasionally watching the clouds pass my bedroom window. My body is doing its somatic release, my eyes haven't stopped twitching, and my jaw feels like it's clenching on to dear life. I feel like I'm a bit of a mess if I'm honest. I yoyo from wanting to go bulls deep on five different projects, to wanting to curl up in bed and hide. From the highs of last week to the lows of this, it brings doubt to the forefront of my inner conversation.

Both are real. Both are needed. The missing ingredient is trust. Trust that all will be achieved step by step. It is the old conditioning that tells me I need to be busy all the time. That productivity is attached to my worthiness. I am only worthy if I am being productive. When I am sitting at home thinking of a better world, is that not being productive? Is the awakening stage not the initiation into something that is bigger than me? We are all here, experiencing this now, because everything is aligning for that to happen. It is what is supposed to be. I have to actively remind myself every day to celebrate. Celebrate the progress made, the hard work and commitment to the self, and the continuous dedication that follows. Maybe I'm on the balcony because I need to let my excitedness out before I can join the party. Maybe I'm early.

For all the questions I find myself asking, I don't have all the answers yet. But I have learned to trust that the answer is already on its way. So far, I have not been let down, and I usually don't have long to wait. I am finding it is coming to me quicker, and only my limiting thoughts hold me back. My message to myself during this time is to hold strong. It is to trust. It is to visualise all of the ways it could go right, rather than wrong. Create the images of my dreams coming true. How the new world will look and the people I'll meet along the way. That feels like a much better way to spend time than worrying, especially when I have proved more times than I care to admit that there is no reason to worry. Worry exists only in the past and the future — neither of which are real.

If you are watching your old self dissolve in real time and wondering what on earth comes next — say hello. I mean it. These conversations matter. The ones where we admit we are on the balcony, a little underdone, waiting for our own party to begin. That is not weakness. That is the work. And none of us should be doing it alone.